Konosuba's Gilfest
by Zeltch
Summary: Being swallowed by the Grail wasn't the end for Gilgamesh. Offered a second chance, he'll show this new world the might of the King of Heroes...or he would, if he wasn't stripped of his powers and his companion wasn't the least useful deity in all of Heaven.


**Sometimes, a guy wants to write an epic in length story that requires great thought for outlining it, foreshadowing things and moving the plot along, among many other things.**

**Sometimes, a guy just wants to write dumb, fun shit. I finally gave in and watched the Konosuba anime. It was exactly the dumb, fun shit I was missing.**

**This idea was born, then. Hope you guys will enjoy it.**

* * *

Darkness was all the King of Heroes knew for unmeasurable time.

Awareness was slow to return. From the depths of his mind, thoughts surged unbidden. The steady beating of his heart assured him his life wasn't done yet.

Crimson eyes cracked open.

Gilgamesh surveyed his surroundings, frowning at the lackluster chair he was currently sitting on. An ethereal fog wafted around him, and blue dots twinkled in the all-encompassing darkness.

"What is this wretched place?" he muttered. To his left, he realized his arm had been restored. His body was now clad in his armor, unlike minutes ago.

"Gilgamesh of Uruk," a feminine voice called from behind him, followed by soft footsteps echoing in the hall. "Welcome to the afterlife."

"Hoh?" He leveled a look at the newcomer. A young girl with blue, waist-long hair tied in a loop sauntered to the chair in front of him. An office desk lay beside it. "This is not the afterlife I know."

The girl sat on her chair and crossed her legs. She had beauty beyond any woman he had seen in the last ten years. Pearly-white skin, hair as smooth as silk and a figure that caught his eye.

For all of the two seconds that took him to recognize the unmistakable aura of a goddess.

"Maybe, but I assure you it's very real. I'm Aqua, the goddess that guides people who die young in Japan. You may be an old man, but an exception was made for you." She smiled deviously. "I have an offer for you."

Gilgamesh's eyebrow twitched. "I refuse."

"Good, good, you have two op- wait," she stopped, blinking her blue eyes at him, "what do you mean you refuse? You didn't even hear me out!"

Her screeching voice threatened to rupture his already frayed nerves. He scoffed. "Exactly what you've heard, goddess. I had enough of dealing with your ilk in the past. Whatever offer you have to me, I refuse. Send me to the afterlife at once."

"Wait, listen to me. Heaven is really boring! You have another option."

At the sound of that particular word, his resistance lost a silver of its strength. "...go on."

She preened like a cat that had found a defenseless canary. "Heaven isn't as great as you humans would imagine. You don't need to eat after dying and won't be able to make any food. There aren't any ingredients nor necessities for you to use anyway. I'm sorry if I disappointed you, but there's nothing in heaven. No television, no manga, and no games. Only other people that have died before you. The only thing you can do is bask in the sun with your predecessors and chat. Forever."

She exhaled, face red from exertion but seemingly satisfied with her sales-pitch.

He crossed his arms. The goddess in front of him painted a bleak picture, indeed. He couldn't care less about manga or television, but spending eternity surrounded by chatty mongrels? That wouldn't do. "What happened to Ereshkigal and the Underworld? I'm certainly not a native of Japan. If there was an afterlife for me, it's not this miserable void."

The goddess shot to her feet. "Hey, what are you calling miserable? This is my workplace, a goddess' workplace! Have some respect."

"Ha! I would, if this was an afterlife befitting of a king."

She seemed ready for another outburst, but a smirk dotted her features. "Hehe. You're acting pretty high and mighty for a guy who got his soul sold for us."

"...what?" he said, crimson eyes wide.

"Exactly what you've heard," she said, mimicking his voice. "Ereshkigal sold the rights for your soul." She tapped her chin, shaking her head whimsically, watching him from the corner of her eyes. "I've been told she was going to grow a garden for her Underworld with the money. Good for her."

She plucked the documents from the drawers of her desk to prove it to him. They were all signed with Ereshkigal's stamp.

His hands balled into fists. His teeth almost cracked under the pressure of his rage. "That witch," he shouted. "I'm no common merchandise to be sold on a whim! Release me at once; I have a score to settle with that woman."

And he had thought her sister was the rotten one. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, he now realized.

"No. Can. Do," she sing-sang. "You're ours now, and you gotta pick one of our options."

His lips curled into a malicious grin. "Is that so? Unfortunately for you, goddess, I have a counter-offer."

He opened his arms wide, willing his Gate of Babylon to bisect her with rampaging weapons of legend.

Gilgamesh blinked. Nothing happened.

The goddess laughed, the sound grating his ears. "You really thought we'd let you bring your stuff with you to the afterlife? You're not very smart, are you, goldie?" She descended into peals of laughter. "Now it makes sense why you died in such a hilarious way!"

"What did you just say?"

"You got your butt kicked by a highschooler. How did that even happen? Are you not, like, the strongest hero of that world? Did we get the real Gilgamesh or are you some pretender? It's as if the Devil King died to some kid with a plastic sword."

She hugged herself, legs kicking with joy. She hadn't stopped laughing in-between her words.

Flames hotter than the sun coursed inside of him. His pride reared his head like a lion, demanding retribution. In all his life, no one had ever had the sheer gall of insulting him so.

Gilgamesh gave her a barbed smile. "Very well, then. I shall hear your offers, goddess. Don't disappoint me."

Bereft of his powers, he still had his mind. The intelligence and cunning of a true king. The goddess would pay; his pride demanded no less. Sooner or later.

She told him of a world on the verge of being conquered by a Devil King. The warriors from that world, weak and afraid, would refuse to be reincarnated. For that reason, heroes from adjacent worlds were recruited in their place to defeat him.

Despite himself, a hint of interest wormed into his thoughts. "Heroes such as myself, then?"

"Well, not quite. Mostly we recruit nobodies that wouldn't be missed," she said, now munching on a bag of chips.

Rage. Pure, unadulterated rage.

She snapped her finger, face alight as if an idea had now occurred to her. "I almost forgot. We grant you heroes a privilege so you can have an actual chance of beating the Devil King. It may be a powerful ability, an exceptional talent or a god-level weapon. What do you think? It might be another world, but you can live once more. For the people of that world, someone will appear who can fight immediately. How about it? Isn't this great news?"

Gilgamesh grinned. The opportunity had come sooner. "Excellent news, in fact. I choose you."

"Ah, okay, please stand there and don't move out of the magic circle…"

She stopped talking.

"… What'd you just say?"

Gilgamesh grinned like a shark.

A flash of white light consumed the room. A winged woman floated down from the roof; another goddess, no doubt. Gilgamesh ignored her, savoring the taste of revenge.

"I understand. Well then, I'll take over Aqua-sama's job from now on," she said.

Aqua squealed in surprise, and a blue magic circle appeared under her feet. Gilgamesh felt the same happening below him, unknown magics tweaking reality around him.

"Wait…! Huh, what's happening? Eh, you can't be serious! No! No…! Hold on! This is too weird! Isn't it cheating to bring a goddess along? This shouldn't count! Wait! Wait, okay?" Aqua yelled, tears welling in her eyes.

Gilgamesh cackled. "How does it feel, goddess? You're no treasure worth taking, but from now on you're one of my possessions. Fall from your worthless throne and despair! Fuhahahaha."

"Stop laughing at me! Why are you doing this, you big bully?"

The other goddess spoke. "Have a safe trip, Aqua-sama. Please leave the rest to me. We'll send envoys to welcome you back right after the Demon King is defeated. Before you return, I'll handle your tasks."

Aqua shook her head desperately. "Wait! Wait! I may have the ability to heal as a goddess, but I have no combat ability to speak of! It's impossible for me to defeat the Devil King!"

Gilgamesh crossed his arms, looking down at her. "Then you are even less useful than I first thought. Rejoice, then, useless goddess. You'll witness the might of the one true king."

This time, her screeching brought him great joy.

Accompanied by her wails, the other goddess told him of his future reward. A wish, of course. Such a thing didn't appeal to him, but if it brought him a passage back to his garden, he would take it.

"Oh, and I'm very sorry Gilgamesh-san, but unfortunately you won't be able to carry any of your abilities to that world. That shouldn't be a setback for a hero of your caliber, we hope."

Wait, what?

The two of them disappeared in blinking light, headed to an all-new world.

* * *

Fluffy clouds drifted in the serene, morning sky. Carriages creaked as they drove over the pavement. The narrow streets of the medieval town bustled with busy villagers.

Gilgamesh scoffed. To his trained eyes, there was no sense of urgency in them. Uruk had been constantly encroached by beasts of all kinds and threatened by the whims of the gods. Their work had been back-breaking, but brought them pride. They were survivors, meeting adversity with strength of will unmatched in human history.

Despite its rustic appearance, this place resembled the modern world he had grown used to, not Uruk.

And speaking of weak-willed mongrels...

"AHHH! AHHH!"

The goddess cried, hugging her knees and rocking back and forth. Her little display attracted the gaze of the villagers. They leveled him disapproving looks, as if demanding action from his part. Gilgamesh responded with a caustic frown of his own, and they were quick to look away.

He huffed, pleased. The gall of demanding something from the King. He turned to the woman. "What a sorry sight you are, goddess. Losing my powers was almost worth it, if only for that look on your face. Now, this is where we part wa-"

With a war-cry, she shot to her feet and pounced on him. Gilgamesh rose his arm to defend himself, but she was faster. Wide-eyed, he craned his neck back to put distance from her.

"You can't leave me," she yelled. "I have nowhere to go, and I can't go back, and what am I gonna do now," she said, shaking him. He grabbed her shoulders to push her away, but his strength failed him. She was heavy as a boulder.

His body seemed strangely heavy, too.

He pushed her face away instead. "Let go of me, you wench. That's none of my concern. I won't have you dragging me down any further."

She struggled, and bit his fingers when he almost forced them into her mouth. His armored fingers.

The goddess froze, and her teeth rattled. Her features were frozen in shock. A dying wheeze left her mouth.

He slapped his forehead. "Fuhahahaha. How much of an idiot can you be? Biting down on divine steel. What exactly were you hoping to accomplish?"

Tears welled in her eyes. Again. "You jerk! This is all your fault. Aren't you supposed to be a hero? Help me!"

"Hah! I'm the hero, but I wouldn't be caught dead helping the likes of you. Goodbye, useless goddess," he chirped. Mood successfully restored, he took a steep.

Steel jingled and his foot made a stomping noise as it hit the ground. His leg had moved inches forward. Gilgamesh went still, staring down in bewilderment.

Something dawned on the goddess' face, and she put a daint hand over her mouth. Her tone was anything but. "You can't move, can you?"

He sneered. "Nonsense. I merely took a step in false." He threw his leg forward as if kicking an opponent.

Gravity exerted an unforgiving pull. His foot had moved inches again. Gilgamesh took a deep breath. "Goddess," he started, tone civil. "When that winged woman said I had lost my powers, what did she mean by that?"

Her head tilted to her side. "Well, I thought it was obvious? You lost everything." She snickered. "At least you kept your armor, I guess."

A volcano erupted in his mind. "THEN WHAT WAS THE POINT OF REINCARNATING ME IF I'M AS POWERLESS AS ANY MONGREL?"

"Hey, don't go blaming me. You'll get them back when you get stronger here. We aren't equipped to reincarnate someone as powerful as you are." She paused. "Were."

Gilgamesh examined himself. The overwhelming weight of his treasures was faint and distant. His Sha Naqba Imuru, which unveiled the secrets of the world to him was unresponsive. Not even his Collector Skill responded, which beckoned treasures to him, longing for a place in his vault.

Nothing.

Powered by raw anger, he charged at the goddess, one tiny step at a time. A loud crack resonated.

"...you dislocated something, right?" she asked.

As she got ready to mock him, he took the opening and seized her collar. In his haste, however, one foot got in the way of the other.

He fell. So did the goddess. The ground shook, dust rising to the air, and horses neighed, scared by the noise. Heads turned to look at them.

"AAHHH! Why are you so heavy?" she said, failing to push him away.

"Get away from me, dammit," he shouted.

"You're the one that fell on me. Get up, get up, get up!"

Gilgamesh tried to do a push-up. For a moment, a wave of disgust crashed on him when his body ground against the goddess'. His concentration wavered, and he fell again, knocking the wind out of her.

"Why are you standing there and looking? Help me you mongrels!" he shouted.

She gurgled an agreement.

Gilgamesh trudged forward in the narrow streets of the village. Another sickening crack resonated. Every movement was like dragging the Ax of Marduk with a rope tying it to his limp member.

"That one sounded even worse than the last," the goddess said. For a second, something like concern was on her face.

He grimaced. Even if he wanted nothing more than chasing her away, at the moment she was...faster than him. A prolonged fight with a goddess in his current state was impossible, he told himself.

It was irrelevant if she hadn't any fighting skills at all.

Another crack. His fist shook with rage.

"Are you really alright?" she asked.

"If I had to guess, that was the sound of my tibia breaking."

"What?" she cried. "Didn't that hurt?"

"Such a paltry wound would never slow me down." He decided to change the subject. "You said I'll recover my powers if I use this world's system to strengthen myself."

She gave a slow nod. "...yup."

He didn't like the way she had said that.

"You are sure?"

"...yup. It's good news, right?"

"Indeed, it is. Yet, when I look at their source, all I feel is trepidation. Exactly how sure you are of that, goddess?"

She watched him hesitantly, then made a small space between her forefinger and her thumb. "This sure?" She bumped her head and stuck her tongue out. "Guess I shouldn't have said it so confidently."

He bit down on his anger. "You told me there were heroes reincarnated in this world before me," he said, trying to spur her feeble brain into function.

"Yeah, but never a Servant, and most of those guys die in the first couple weeks or stop trying." She scratched her chin. "There was one that became a big-shot here, though. What was his name again? Satou, Sayjou, Shiki...".

She mumbled other names under her breath as they walked.

A calamitous crack attracted everyone's attention. She looked at him as if expecting him to crumble like a house of cards.

His lips curled into a terrible grin, challenging his circumstances. "If I had to guess, a shard of bone traveled in my bloodstream and punctured my heart right now."

"What?" she cried. "How are you even alive?"

"Fool, this is only a mortal wound." Powers or not, spite propelled him forward. He wouldn't bow to this ridiculous world. Gilgamesh walked over to an elderly woman washing her clothes outside.

She stepped back, fumbling with them as she looked up at him.

The exertion from walking had made itself known. Gilgamesh panted like the Bull of Heaven after he had wrestled it to submission. His crimson eyes were bulged out and a starkly blue vein throbbed with every beat of his failing heart. Every step drained his life-force further, but the King refused to submit.

"Excuse me," he said.

"Y-y-yes, my lord?"

Ah, decent treatment, finally. "Where in this town can I find beasts worth slaying? I've been told there is a mongrel calling himself Devil King terrorizing these lands."

"W-well, sir, the Axel village is actually very far from the Devil King's territory," she said, jumping slightly when another crack came. "It's very peaceful here."

Gilgamesh's eyes bulged out further. "Can't you think of anything, woman?" His face twisted menacingly. "Give it serious thought."

She stuttered out something about a frog infestation in nearby open plains.

He stormed out without responding, an inch at a time.

"A-a-a sword, sir. You need a sword!"

As if he would tarnish his hands wielding the sub-par garbage of this world.

The goddess, as usual, followed him. She gave him a flat look. "Hey, are you stupid or something? How are you going to kill them without leveling up first?"

"Hah, you are the stupid one here. If I'm to begin my legend, what better step than slaying fearsome beasts with nothing but my natural prowess?"

She sighed. "Heal," she chanted, arms stretched and palms facing him. "Heal, heal, heal."

Relief coursed over him. He deliberately wiped out any traces of such sentiment from his face. "I didn't ask for your blessings, goddess. Do not expect any payment."

She puffed her cheeks out. "I know, you jerk, but I can't go back if you don't kill the Devil King. If you get killed like a moron, I'm stuck here."

"...very well. I'll accept you as a follower for the time being. I know it's useless to ask, but do try not to disappoint."

"Hey, I'm the goddess here, you're the one who should be worshipping me." She placed a hand on her chest, smiling benevolently. "Yes, if you repent and pray to me three times a day, I might forgive your sins."

"Fuhahahaha! Who do you take me for? The only reason I accepted you is that you're too much of a numbskull to harm me in any way!"

He was still laughing when she gave a flying dropkick on his back.

It took him a while to stand up again.

* * *

The grassy plains grew on the horizon ahead. A gentle breeze brushed the leaves with its touch. One could look at any direction, and all they would see was the picture of peace.

In different circumstances, Gilgamesh might have even appreciated it. Now, it only fanned the flames of his incensed thoughts.

"As usual, the gods bring me nothing but grief," he mused. Doing their bidding was out of the question; he would force the Devil King to his knees on his own terms. It was only a matter of time.

Even so, buried beneath his fury, there was a hint of a familiar sentiment. A reminder of grand times from his youth, leaving the walls of Uruk to experience all the world had to offer. Its challenges and all its pleasures.

His verdict of the modern world hadn't delivered on a whim. If he hadn't been granted a body, he wouldn't have interfered at all. But watching the decadency of his garden into a land of aimless subjects and surplus, every inch of his being urged him to act.

Rider's dream, one of the few highlights of the lackluster Fourth War came to his mind. To spread his influence far and wide, to conquer mighty foes.

Gilgamesh had been born a king, with Uruk for him to rule. He had never been in this position. Not a commoner, never that, but a stranger in a strange land. To build his influence from the ground up.

Yes, it didn't sound bad at all.

"Gil-san, Gil-san, I'm tired. When are we going to eat?" the goddess whined beside him.

He growled. "Never call me that again. And I'll eat when I find a beast to hunt. If I'm feeling magnanimous, I'll even let you have the leftovers."

"We have to hunt for food?" she asked in a high-pitched tone. "Does that mean we are poor?"

Gilgamesh took a deep breath. His Collector skill was far from his reach, and so was his vault of unlimited treasures. "That is but a small setback. It's in my nature to find treasures; my presence alone will beckon them to me."

She sniffed, ignoring his boast. "Why did this have to happen to me? My followers should be supporting me, I'm a goddess. I've never been poor."

In a dark corner of the king's soul, far from the conscious reach of his mind, a minuscule part of himself commiserated with her pain.

He had never been poor either.

His sharp ears twitched as they picked on something. The rustling of grass, the sound of looming steps. No, not steps.

Hopping.

Gilgamesh advanced with newfound purpose. His eyes found his prey, and it craned its head, staring back defiantly.

A mountain of green flesh and bulging, dark eyes. A beast taller than any animal he had seen in the last ten years. It croaked a war-cry as it closed the distance between them in tall leaps.

The goddess gasped. "That's a really big frog!"

It was the kind of beast that would have terrorized settlements and farms in Uruk, swallowing the livestock in a single gulp. A pest, but one more dangerous than most. A challenge, in his current circumstances.

"Gil-san, it's coming here. It's so ugly."

It was his first opponent in this world. Unarmed he may be, he was still the one who wrestled the Bull of Heaven into submission. From the beginning, there was no denying who would stand victorious in this duel.

She laughed, wrapping her arms around herself. "Well, this is the kind of job for a hero. A goddess is supposed to be receive prays and give blessings, not fighting big, gross monsters. Good luck, Gil-san." She twisted on her heel and made to leave.

A grin crept on Gilgamesh's face. There was no glory in a foregone victory, but there were ways to make it sweeter.

"Not so fast, goddess. As a temporary and unwanted servant, you'll have to carry your own weight as well. What better way to sharpen your non-existent skills than in battle?"

Sweat ran on her brow. "Hehe, you're so funny, Gil-san. I almost fell for your joke."

"You are the joke here, goddess. I shall expect a swift defeat from you."

The sweat intensified as the looming shadow of the beast approached, but her features froze for a second. She gave a shaky, but victorious grin. "Nope, I don't have to outrun them. I just have to run faster than you, Mr. Slowpoke."

He rose an eyebrow. "Is that so? It seems you failed to account for the full range of my skills."

She had already begun running before he finished his phrase, screaming all along. For someone as daft as her, she could be remarkably quick in the right situation.

Gilgamesh sat and closed his eyes. All thoughts were subsumed, and his focus fell on his breath. His overwhelming presence vanished, growing still as the greatest mountain. It blended with the air and the ground, uniform and undetectable.

Presence Concealment worthy of an Assassin. Normally a useless skill for him, but this situation called for it like nothing had in years.

He was awakened from his meditation by the shrill voice of the goddess. A pleased smile blossomed on his face, even as his knees cracked from the strain of standing up.

"Gil-san, Gil-san, save meeee."

Her spasming leg dangled from the frog's mouth. Somehow, her cries carried over from inside the beast's throat. The frog remained still, savoring its latest meal with wide licking.

"Fuhahahaha! What a ridiculous sight! You compensate for your lack of abilities with sheer entertainment value, goddess. Ah, if only Ishtar was in your position. I shall engrave that scene in my memory for eternity."

Truly, it would have been a scene of beauty even he couldn't conceive. Well, he supposed some things are beautiful because they cannot be had.

Basking in his glory, his reaction was a second late when red, wet flesh looped around his body.

Gilgamesh's eyes shot wide open. "It can't be!"

Frog eyes stared at him, unblinking. The tongue tightened its grip around him as he fought it. Like a snake, his resistance only seemed to empower it.

Gilgamesh growled, struggling against the grip of death. His armor protected his body, but sapped his limbs from their strength. "How did a creature of your size sneak on me?" With sheer force of will, he unleashed his arms from their prison.

He struck the frog with powerful blows, but the beast was unfazed. Changing tactics, Gilgamesh grabbed the appendage and twisted it. The frog didn't budge an inch.

_"A sword, sir! You need a sword!"_

That woman in the village had said that.

Gilgamesh hissed. "You are impervious to blunt damage, damn monster?"

The frog croaked and its tongue lifted him up high in the air. It was as if it was raising a grand trophy for the world to see. The sun shining down on them and saliva covering his armor made him glow a shade of gold brighter than ever.

"Wait!" he shouted. "Swallowing me accomplishes nothing, you foul beast!"

A terrible sense of deja-vu struck him. He had said the same to the grail, hadn't he? That vile mass of curses that had, without any benefit, taken his life. He reflexively prepared himself for an arrow that never came.

What came were the pinkish innards of a hungry frog.

* * *

The goddess sobbed. It had become something not unlike white noise in his mind. It mixed with the ambient chitter and chatter of the peaceful village.

"Ugh… For a goddess like me to be humiliated by a frog; how can it be? I'm already defiled. If a believer sees how dirty I am…their faith will most certainly plummet! If people knew that I got eaten by frogs, it'd be a disgrace to the name of the beautiful Goddess Aqua!"

"Your rambling is annoying as usual, goddess. No one in their right minds would follow you, anyway. Besides, no such thing happened. I defeated those frogs with unforgiving might."

"W-what are you talking about?" she said in-between sobs. "You got eaten too. I know it."

"I did not."

"You were covered in frog innards."

"I see no evidence of that."

"You washed your armor in the river. And you still smell like frog...ugh, stuff. People are even avoiding us on the streets," she said spreading her arms around to prove her point.

The busy villagers gave them a wide berth, with some pinching their noses shut as they passed by. They exchanged unflattering gossip that would have retribution sometime in the future.

"That is but my kingly musk. Mongrels such as yourself and they could never appreciate it."

"How did you even kill them? You never told me."

"Like a king."

"What does that mea-"

"Like a king," he ground out.

She sobbed. Again. "And you even promised our future reward as hush-money for the villagers that saw us with the frogs. We are still poor."

"Foolishness. I merely rewarded them for their good behavior."

And eternal silence.

She gave up before his flawless rhetoric, busying herself with drowning the village with her tears.

* * *

Night had fallen on Axel. Stars filled the sky like snowflakes. A stark contrast from Japan, where the twinkling lights of space were obscured by modernity.

He wondered if, worlds away, humanity had taken the course he had dreamed of. The grand immigration into the sea of stars.

It had been a beautiful dream, indeed.

A thunderous noise came from Gilgamesh's right. One that hadn't been unusual in Uruk in bad harvesting seasons. He massaged his temples and deliberately focused on the crippling pain in his body. Every muscle, every inch of skin burned as if acid was corroding them. It wouldn't have been a mistake to call him a king-sized, walking bruise.

The pain was still more bearable than listening to her prattling. The healing device of questionable intelligence accompanied him, but he wouldn't lower himself to that level. Asking for the help of a goddess was the kind of trap he had learned to avoid.

Even from one intellectually incapable of plotting his downfall.

"Gil-san, it's getting laaate. We have to find a place to sleep," she said. Her stomach rumbled again, as thunderous as before. "And we have to find something to eat. We're gonna starve to death like this!"

Gilgamesh scoffed. "Can't you be sustained by the faith of your...believers?" he said, putting as much disdain as he could in that word. "I have no need for sustenance yet. If you're so desperate, make yourself useful and help us find beasts to hunt."

His crippling pain had blotted out the sensation of hunger, anyway.

She glared at him. "It doesn't work like that," she said. "And I wanted to ask them for money but you didn't let me."

"It already pains me to be seen in the same room as you. I won't let you damage my reputation even further by acting as a common beggar."

"You said the same thing about the frogs. Reputation, reputation," she yelled. "I can't eat reputation. Reputation doesn't put food on the table!"

He rolled his eyes. "It will earn us better missions in the future and enhance our standing in the world. First impressions matter, woman. I won't stain the dawn of my legend with your idiotic ideas."

The goddess scrunched her eyebrows. "...that doesn't sound so bad. I guess. You can be pretty reliable sometimes, Gil-san. When you aren't being eaten by frogs," she muttered under her breath.

"I won't hear that from you of all people."

Her face brightened up. "And when everyone witnesses the power of the great Aqua-sama, I'll have more followers than ever. Yes, the tales of my exploits will reach even small villages like this one. I'll be the most popular goddess in this world," she said, hands on her waist and chest puffed out.

Those words brought inside him nausea that, for a moment, overpowered his pain. That scenario had to be avoided at all costs. He would nip any trace of that sentiment in the bud if he had to. Even this ridiculous world didn't deserve that.

A crack resonated in the still wind. The goddess quested a look at him.

"Was it your ulna again? It sounded like it," she said.

Gilgamesh frowned. "No. It wasn't the sound of my bones breaking, this time."

He stared at the nearby grove. Three rough-looking men surged from the darkness. They were armed with rusty-looking swords and clad in cheap equipment. One of them, their leader from the looks of it, stomped forward. He twirled his knife, which almost slipped off his hand. He plucked it from the air before it fell, scowling menacingly.

Gilgamesh's lips curled into a smirk. "Hoh? So even this peaceful town has its lowlives."

"Oi, goldie, hand over that shiny armor of yours." The man grinned. "Bet we'll get loads of money for that."

The one to his left gave a happy sigh. "And I'll finally be able to pay for my daughter's treatment."

The thief to the right gave him a thumbs up.

Their leader groaned. "Keep that to yourself, Duncan. We're supposed to look menacing."

"Sorry boss."

"Hah!" laughed Gilgamesh. "As if lowlives such as yourselves could frighten a king. Pray tell, what will you do if, by a whim of fate as unlikely as getting struck by lightning twice, get my armor?"

The leader made clenching motions with his hands, as if he was already holding bags of cash. "We'll sell it on the pawnshop and get rich!"

Gilgamesh went silent. Rage boiled in his gut. "...did you just say you would sell my armor in a pawnshop, mongrel?"

"Well, yeah, that thing almost looks like it's pure gold. Pretty sure some snooty noble will buy it, but we don't know any." He shrugged. "So, pawnshop."

Gilgamesh's teeth ground together. The goddess poked his arm, a frightened look on her face.

"Hey, Gil-san," she said, voice cracking. "What if those rough-looking men want to do disgusting things with me? I'm a goddess, you can't let that happen."

From the bottom of his heart, he couldn't care less about that.

Duncan shifted on his feet. "We don't do that, miss. Hell, you look like my daughter's age."

"Stop talking about your daughter, Duncan."

"Sorry boss."

The thief to the right rose his hand.

"You don't have to raise your hand to talk, Henryk."

"Sorry boss, but, um, looks like those two really think they're a king and a goddess." He scratched his head. "I don't feel comfortable mugging the mentally handicapped."

Gilgamesh roared. "Just come at me, you damn mongrels."

They exchanged looks, as if urging each other to go first. Then, as one, they charged at him.

Gilgamesh prepared a defensive stance. Assuming a flanking formation, they struck the king's armor with their inferior weapons. Left, right, above; blows came from all sides. Every attack bounced off the divine gold without leaving so much as a scratch.

"Go for the head," the leader yelled.

Watching their movements with the eyes of a predator, Gilgamesh bid his time. He protected his head with his arms, forming an impenetrable defense. Behind his guard, he looked for an opening.

These mongrels were of inferior stock compared to any opponent in his life. Yet, they were clearly enhanced in some form; the empowering system of this world, no doubt. In his current state, lacking speed for a swift reaction, this fight would be won through decisive strikes.

The goddess yawned. "Aren't fights supposed to be more exciting? You're just getting beat up, Gil-san. Hurry up."

Her annoying voice reached his ears in-between the ringing of steel against steel. "Shut up," he shouted. "What would you know of tactics, woman?"

The thieves scattered, taking distance from him. Their eyes roamed over him warily.

Henryk panted. "This isn't working, boss. That guy is turtling inside his armor. We can't hit him."

The leader shook his head, sweating bullets. "No, this isn't over yet. We have to keep trying. He'll get tired too." He charged with a war-cry at Gilgamesh, now by himself.

Gilgamesh smirked. "Are you sure about that, mongrel? A fight on this level is nothing to me."

His muscles and bones protested when he rose his guard again, a veritable wall protecting his head. They disagreed with his assessment, but Gilgamesh was never one to accept such suggestions.

He deflected a slash to his left and blocked the follow-up. When the mongrel's sword went too wide preparing to strike, he found his opening.

Gilgamesh struck his chest lightning-fast, and the thief's body crashed on the ground, unconscious. A booming crack, as if the land itself had been split asunder, echoed in the dark.

Duncan's and Henryk's eyes went wide. "D-did you hear that? He killed the boss!" said Duncan.

"You monster," yelled Henryk.

Gilgamesh chuckled. It was a low, ominous sound that made them step back. "You fools," he said, jaw shaking. "That wasn't the sound of his bones breaking. It was mine's."

They froze, watching him with the impending sense of doom of prey that met its predator.

"Now, I'm a magnanimous king," he started, rising to his full height. The cracks followed. "I shall let you escape with your lives and take this mongrel's body with yourselves. In exchange, leave anything valuable you have."

Duncan's mouth went wide open. "Are you...reverse-mugging us?"

Gilgamesh scoffed. "Ridiculous. Your things were my things from the beginning. Any treasures worth-taking are rightfully mine."

"B-but aren't you rich?" said Henryk.

"Fool. This is how I stay rich."

They emptied their pockets with passable hurry, looking up at him like the frightened rats they were. Gilgamesh huffed when they finally took their useless selves out of his sight, along with the fallen man.

The goddess frowned. "You really are a big bully." Her expression instantly quirked up. "But we have money now!"

"Indeed. Speaking of which, I'll hire your services now, goddess."

"Eh, for what? Do you want me to entertain some guests? I'm pretty good with party tricks."

"Why would I- ugh. No, I need your healing, you moron."

She looked at him with genuine concern. It revulsed him. "Did they hurt you that bad?"

"Of course not. I hurt myself. I broke eighty-seven bones, so get on with it."

"Gah! How are you even alive? Heal, Heal, Heal!"

Unbeknownst to Gilgamesh, murmurs began in the depths of Axel's small underworld. Stories were told, in hushed tones, about an adventurer. A man with golden armor that could withstand raging storms. A man with a shell so strong that, so long as he retreated inside it, he could endure the end of the world.

They whispered his name reverently...

The Turtleman.

* * *

A silver bell tolled, its ringing reaching even the most distant corners of the village. Loud and firm, it declared an end to the peasants' backbreaking work-day. Merchants dismantled their stands and farmers fell into a well-earned slumber. They retreated to their huts, putting out the fires inside.

Gilgamesh surveyed his surroundings, absent-mindedly committing the streets to memory. The bell was the sign for a curfew, no doubt. A reasonable measure in times like these.

Beside him, the goddess babbled away, for once not at him. "Satou, Sayjou, Shiki," she mumbled. Her features creased with effort. With a little more effort, her brain might implode from the strain of thinking too much.

Warring with his desire for her to shut up, came the desire to berate the buffoon. It urged him to speak, against his better judgment. "You already said those names, you buffoon."

These were challenging times, indeed. The world inside his mind, where he could fantasize about a fittingly ridiculous demise for her, was a far more interesting one than Axel. It was a shame he hadn't let the frog digest her.

Boredom, his old foe, loomed in the horizon. So far, he hadn't had the time to feel it, but with his powers back, he doubted this world could offer him a proper challenge. There should be treasures worth taking and mongrels a cut above the norm somewhere, but the future seemed bleak nonetheless.

The goddess puffed her cheeks out. "Instead of calling me names, why don't you help me remember it? It might be important. He reincarnated before you, so maybe the guy left valuable stuff around." Her lips pursed together. "And he had a real skill granted by the gods, not a stupid-heavy armor."

Ah, yes. The so-called 'big-shot' that was hoodwinked into this trap, like him. He rolled his eyes. "If that man left any treasures behind, then they'll be mine in time. My main concern is recovering my powers right now."

Greedy mongrels and frogs of all things saw him as viable prey in his current state. He had corrected their judgment, but he could only take so much of being looked down upon.

She exhaled. "Man, it would've been so much easier if we'd just hired one of Alaya-chan's employees. They're real cheap and polite, unlike you. And I'd still be in heaven, like a proper goddess."

"...you have contracted humanity's slaves before me?"

The goddess blinked. Her entire postured shifted and her tone grew monotone, as if reciting a droll passage from a book. "What are you talking about, Gil-san? They're very happy, healthy, contracted workers. They're not slaves."

"They're bound to do humanity's bidding for eternity. They are turned into automatons for the sole purpose of killing across ages and worlds."

She laughed, or rather intoned a 'ha, ha, ha.' "You're sooo funny, Gil-san," she said, waving it off. "We in heaven are a very progressive, employee-friendly company. We don't hire slaves, even if it would be great to cut costs."

"They can never escape."

She plastered a smile on her face. "Well, they signed the contract, didn't they?" she said, voice saccharine. "That makes them contracted workers."

Gilgamesh sighed. "I don't care enough about it to prove you wrong."

"Excellent! Heaven appreciates your understanding. Thank you for your time."

Under the watchful gaze of the remaining peasants in the streets, he advanced. Despite the curfew, there was one group of mongrels that should be still in the streets.

He found it. In front of him, a large establishment stood, far more expansive than the peasants' huts. On the facade, a blue flag emblazoned with a golden symbol. Easily identifiable and visible, even for illiterate commoners.

Chatter and the scent of wood drifted from inside. The indistinct noises were the kind of ruckus caused by loud, drunk soldiers in his time. Or Adventurers, in this world's case. Unlike the peasants, they remained beyond the curfew, banking in their position as protectors of the village.

Gilgamesh smiled, satisfied at last. The missteps of the last hours would finally be rectified, and his legend started anew. "Follow me, goddess," he said, not deigning to look at her. "If my guess is correct, there should be a place to register ourselves as Adventurers."

And in the best scenario, his powers would return to his grasp. A scenario that removed the goddess from the equation. He stomped ahead with purpose, his armor clinking and doing its best to pull him to the ground. He endured the treatment with peerless will.

"Scary," the goddess muttered, staring at the Adventurer's Guild with apprehension.

Yes, the world must be a scary place when you are an incompetent idiot, mused Gilgamesh. Not his problem, at any rate. Unless she made it his, which was an annoying talent of hers.

He pushed the doors open, the ruckus growing louder. The inside of the building wasn't as tasteless as he had expected. Bright lampposts illuminated the hall's grey walls, gold and red rugs adorning the walls high-up. Decorative, well-trimmed plants were spread across the hall. What looked like monster skulls were hung on wooden pillars.

A blonde waitress that was passing by twirled on her heel to look at them. "Welcome! If you're here to eat, please take any open seat," she chirped. In her hand were several mugs filled with this world's beverages. "If you need job guidance, head to the counter inside." With that said, she went back to serving the costumers.

Gilgamesh huffed, crossing his arms. "Very well."

"Hey," a tall, well-built man called out, voice deep and gravelly. He sported a mohawk-style hair, along with an unkempt beard and a mustache.

Gilgamesh watched him from the corner of his eye, giving him the bare minimum of his attention. The goddess squeaked, hiding behind him.

"Haven't seen you around here, before." He pointed a calloused finger at Gilgamesh. "Are you nobles or something? What's with the armor? And your face is looking pretty red."

An inquisitive mongrel. Just what he needed.

"We've come from a distant land and this is our first day here." Gilgamesh shook his head, deliberately ignoring the mention of his exertion. "And we aren't nobles. We've come to register as adventurers."

Already something of a commotion was growing. Various rows of eyes scrutinized them. From the onset, being conspicuous was impossible for a king and a...divinity, in the loosest use of the term.

Said divinity muttered from behind him. "Hey, they're looking this way too blatantly. It must be the holy aura coming from me; they must've discovered that I'm a goddess."

Gilgamesh bit down on his retort. The mongrel hadn't noticed her speaking, and there was nothing holy about her.

"Is that so, your majesty?" he said with a teasing rumble. Then, he slammed down his mug. "THEN WELCOME TO THE GATES OF HELL!"

The goddess jumped behind him. Gilgamesh laughed. "I'll be the judge of that. We shall see if this place will live up to such moniker."

With a lower voice, the mongrel jutted a thumb to his left. "If you're looking for the guild's admission desk it's over there. Name's Arakuremono, by the way."

Gilgamesh huffed and made a beeline to the counter, waiting for his turn in the line. The goddess followed.

She looked at him like he was a fascinating puzzle. "You almost seemed polite, Gil-san. And you didn't pick a fight to cut the line. Or with the adventurers."

Gilgamesh rolled his eyes. "I'm not a savage, you idiot. I have no authority or reputation in this land. They will come with my feats on the battlefield."

Soon, it was their turn. A woman with curly-blonde hair smiled up at them from her corner. "Good night, how may I help you?"

"We've come to register as Adventurers," stated Gilgamesh. "How much is the fee?"

"It's 1000 eris, sir."

Gilgamesh plucked the pouches filled with cheap change from his armor and poured it down. "Will this suffice?"

"Eh? W-well, yes, I think," she said, counting the money. Gilgamesh watched attentively, grasping this world's currency. There was a fair amount of it remaining.

"I'd also like to hire your services to transport monsters I killed to me."

Her eyes widened. "W-we do offer that service, but you aren't an adventurer yet! You defeated the monster on your own?"

"Hah! It was nothing. Impervious to blunt damage they may have been, they were no match for my," he stopped. "Ancient Babylonian Wrestling techniques."

The goddess blinked. "That's how you defeated them?"

Yes. The king's word is law. No other option existed.

The counter-lady smiled. "I see! You dealt with the frogs. Goodness, we actually had a request for that. It's very impressive work for a beginner."

A vein throbbed in his forehead. Beginner? He smoothed his features. "Very well. I would like to register as an Archer."

"O-oh." Her shoulders sagged. "Are you sure about that, sir? I know the adventurer class is not the most glamourous, but it's tradition to-".

Gilgamesh frowned. "Yes, I'm sure."

The goddess interjected. "Gil-san, everyone is looking at us again."

He ignored her. The Archer class had been the class he was best-suited for in his world. He had no doubt there were differences, but he was no mage or swordsman, even if he was entirely capable of playing the role.

Behind the glass, the counter-lady shifted on her seat, smile having grown brittle.

A hand patted him on the shoulder. Gilgamesh took a deep, calming breath.

"It's alright, I'll take it from here," said Arakuremono. "Come on you two, I got a story to share with ya. You're causing a ruckus."

Gilgamesh slowly removed the offending appendage from his person. "And, pray tell, what story is that?"

He smiled. "The greatest of all." He walked towards the door, urging them with his hand to follow. "Come on."

Gilgamesh growled but obliged.

The goddess giggled. "What was that about not being a savage?"

He forced the doors open with more force than necessary. He wouldn't prove her right. Even if he wanted nothing more than to enact Enuma Elish in this world.

Arakuremono began. "You're foreigners, so I can see why you don't get it. Not long ago, bein' an adventurer was kind of a joke. It's fine for basic jobs, but once you get stronger, it's better to specialize. Get a new class."

Gilgamesh made a swift movement with his hand. "And why is that?" If the mongrel hurried up, he could still make it to the counter again.

He scratched his beard. "Well, it's good 'cause you can learn all the sorts of skill if you're an adventurer, but it takes a lotta points. It was a dead-end when you got to a higher level." He looked up, a wistful expression on his face. "But a guy changed that."

A hint of interest crept in Gilgamesh's mind.

"He became an adventurer. People told him it wasn't smart, but he wanted to have all kinds of skills. Said he could help more people that way."

Suddenly, his interest was gone.

"Is that all there is to that story? A man who was a good samaritan?" asked Gilgamesh, disdain coloring his voice.

"Nah. He was super strong. Killed the first Devil King. To this day, we honor his example by starting out as adventurers, even if it's just for a few levels. Legend has it that he could make anything. All the treasures in the whole damn world were his. Magic swords, shields, all that."

An alien sense of foreboding wormed into Gilgamesh. Arakuremono turned a corner and they followed.

"There were other strong guys before him, but he set the example for all of us. He was the first damn adventurer."

The feeling grew stronger, a growing monster in his chest.

They turned another corner and, ahead of them, there was a statue. One depicting a familiar man. A muscular man in black armor, holding a tall bow in his hands. His eyes were sharp, as if even as a statue, he was looking for threats.

Arakuremono threw his arms wide and ahead, pointing at it. "That's him. There are statues of him everywhere."

"Ah!" the goddess cried, bumping her fist onto her palm. "I finally remembered. The guy's name was Shirou!" She crossed her arms proudly. "Man, that was bugging me even when I was inside of the frog."

Arakuremono smiled too, equally proud. "We call him...the King of Heroes."

Gilgamesh exploded.

"FAAAAAAAKEEEEEEEEER!"

* * *

**Some cursed shit, this was.**


End file.
